Piątek 12 Cze 2009, 11:08

BLACK METAL IST KRIEG KVLT KRAP

!!!Tr00ness Alert !!!: Read the whole article before you start a flame war…
Really!
I´m fed up with people that are too sensitive in regard to their favourite music and start to overreact…

Well, I have been listening to Metal for some years now and I can tell you at this point that i like most of its sub-genres with some certain exceptions (Power Metal is pretty gay from my point of view and I don´t consider Nu Metal, Metalcore or that other bunge of "-core" garbage as real Metal).
I enjoy Thrash Metal and Death Metal, especially old school death metal and the more progressive / technical side of Death Metal, the most. Just in case if you´re interested, I think this represents my musical taste very well.
Though I like this kind of extreme music, I can honestly say that I never really got into Black Metal.
I haven´t heard any good Black Metal metal which has blown me away or where I thought "Oh my God, this shit is fuckin´ amazing…". The only things Black Metal could attract my attention with were scandals and crimes but not with their music.
Just some examples:At the beginning of the 90s there were dozens of churches burning in Norway, various murders with Varg Vikernes killing Euronymus as most famous example, acts of humiliation and torture commited by Black Metallers; it is said that bandmembers bury their clothes for months to achieve an disgusting stench for their concerts or that they stick the heads of decapitated goats on piles in front of the stage.
My favourite scandal: A member of Mayhem took a shotgun blowjob. Guess what his bandmembers did! Right! A TRVE Norwegian Black Metaller takes photos of his dead buddy with his splintered skull, blood and brain spilled all over the floor and uses it for his next album cover. That´s TRVE NORSK ARYSK BLACK METAL. RAAAHHHH!
The whole scene is just seems to be too obscure for me…

Just look at these silly faces:

http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/1001/stars03.jpg

http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/9771/stars21.jpg

http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/4810/stars04.jpg

http://img82.imageshack.us/img82/3779/stars20.jpg

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/1876/stars26.jpg

http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/2530/stars17.jpg

Do you get my point?
I mean: Why do they take tons of make-up onto their faces. Do they want to look more evil, TRVE or more br00tal or whatever? I don´t get it. From my point of view their whole appearance is far from evil, it´s just totally ridiculous and stupid.
And then their clothes. With all those leather stuff and the exaggerted nails on arms and legs they look more like a bunch of homosexuals with sado-masochistic preferences.

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/5619/blackmetal.jpg

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/1024/abbath2r.jpg

And it keeps going on.
What for hell´s sake do they want to intend with these silly toy imitations of medieval weapons? 3 of 4 Band pictures i have seen so far have contained a stupid sword or axe.
C´mon, we´re living in the 21st century. You hardly can scare anybody with your little axe, Abbath. It looks more like you crapped your pants

http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/3923/dt1big.jpg

Why do Black Metallers always strike so theatric and dramatic poses?

http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/4838/bm3h.jpg

I think most of you know this picture because it´s probably the most hilarious I´ve ever seen. It´s so fuckin´ ridiculous that it has been photoshopped countless times:

http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/2171/blackmetalvday.jpg

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/1731/immortaldead.jpg

http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/8839/im03.jpg

http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/3397/surfingrk4.png

http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/3196/im16.jpg

http://img405.imageshack.us/img405/882/prostdx1.png

EDIT: Three masterpieces done by myself:

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/7457/immortalchristus2.png

http://img375.imageshack.us/img375/4076/immortalsaddam2.png

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/9646/3001.png

http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/b/b9/Immortaljpg.JPG

http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/9606/immortaltoilet.jpg

"Would you like to take a little sightseeing-tour in the bathroom?
Well here we have the process of creating a Black Metal album…"

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/9905/blackmetalpoophannibals.jpg

30 seconds later:

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/5437/abbathnj4.jpg

Some important personalities:

1) Abbath (Immortal) (I think you already know him)

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/8282/2lvg5co.jpg

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/3882/immortalrg0.gif

http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/9255/stars19.jpg

"I want you for gay butt sex!"
"I want you to vote for me!"

http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/3696/436602.jpg

Abbath Doom Occulta guitarist and vocalist for the Black Metal band Immortal has announced his candidacy for the President of The United States of America. In a move that shocked the enitre metal community Abbath has vowed to emerge from the Black Metal underground and form a Bi-Partisan partnership to resolve the growing economic crisis that faces this great Nation. Abbath has also vowed as the headline above shows to end Global warming which will in turn eliminate the need for wasteful "pork barreled spending and other ear marks". Upon news of this John McCain remarked "this reminds me of the when I was a young Senator when Regan was in office". While Barrak Obama replied "hey I'm a Senator too". The Abbath campaign has not yet released the list of potential candidates for Vice President but experts have compiled a list of possibilites which includes known republican and NRA supporter Ted Nugent. The potential selection of Nugent shows that Abbath is also for Hope and Change and ready to cross party lines to make America great again.
Source

Oh! The Scales fell from my eyes! This is obviously the final solution for every problem humanity has to face: Turning the whole world into a grymm and frostbitten Norway….

http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/2093/mortalsj7.jpg

2) Gaahl (Gorgoroth) (the most evil man alive…)

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/2500/gaahladventuresweek1.jpg

http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/3463/gaahladventuresweek2.jpg

http://img140.imageshack.us/img140/4760/gaahl.jpg

http://img269.imageshack.us/img269/2426/gaahladventuresweek5.jpg

http://img269.imageshack.us/img269/6718/gaahladventuresweek68ey.gif

http://img83.imageshack.us/img83/9696/gaahladventuresweek7.jpg

3) Varg Vikernes (Burzum)

http://www.azheavymetal.com/black_metal/11_outro/varg1.jpg

Tightest Gangsta in da hood breakdancing:

http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/9489/blackmetalyoqp9.jpg

Cunt… uhhh… I mean Count Grishnackh loves kittens…

http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/5756/vargandhiscat.jpg

His extraordinary hobbies:

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/7919/5vdlec.jpg

Some random crap

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/8899/snickersuo5.jpg

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/8103/faggothchef.jpg

http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/3324/871575f0d2625x1000.jpg

I think only Germans can understand this:

http://img526.imageshack.us/img526/4720/l48ac024f74382mitblackm.jpg

http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/396/756755641daa8888bf8o.jpg

http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/5313/picture11w.jpg

http://img82.imageshack.us/img82/8344/picture2k.jpg

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/4358/picture3jmc.jpg

EDIT²: Added the following 3 pics

Here we have an extremely rare and shy specimen ov a Black Metaller, encountered in its natural habitat, the icy, cold and frostbitten landscapes in the Northest ov the North…

http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/7642/truenorth.jpg

http://img269.imageshack.us/img269/4343/145004ad.jpg
Translated into English:
"Daddy?"
"Get the fuck out…"

The Lord ov Epik Grymness doing some unholy, blasphemik, christraping, goatworshipping rituals in the dark, forgotten woods of Transsylvania…

http://img389.imageshack.us/img389/6384/blackmetalpanda.jpg

==========

Now I think it´s time for some videoclips…

The 10 most ridiculous Black Metal pics of all time

The 10 most ridiculous Black Metal videos

Well, isn´t Dark Kirchensteuer the KVLTest bandname evah…?
I enjoyed #2 the most, so here´s the full-length version:

Immortal - The Call Of The Wintermoon

Holy Shit! How can you take these guys seriously?
Everytime I watch this video I have to ask myself: What the hell were they thinking while shooting this clip. This is just utterly hilarious.
It looks kinda like some children dressed as magicians playing "hide and seek" in the woods during carneval.

For those who can´t get enough from this piece of art, here´s a liitle remix
And another one

Omg, i fell from the chair because of laughing when I saw this scene:

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/2484/immortal.gif

Abbath is really a passionate dancer

EDIT²:
Here´s a totally hilarious article from Uncyclopedia about Black Metal that complements my article perfectly.
some excerpts:

Instead of saying "this album was recorded in 2008", say "this abomination was infernally necrospawned from the pandemonic womb of Sathanas in anno MMVIII". You could also make everything sound self-deprecating, like "this noise was vomited forth from the smelly cunt ov Lilith" or include songs that are nothing but the lead singer urinating.

It is very important that you do not utilise ordinary grammar and spelling. In DER BLAKK MEHTVL SPE4K, those are secondary, while DER GRYMMNEZ of DER SPEVK is fundamental. Never say DER Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say DER Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Nekro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal.

And Finally…

“Excuse all the blood”

~ Dead on being dead

Kill yourself, leaving an apology note for firing a gun indoors and a gruesome scene that, if discovered before their stabbing contest, could be photographed and used later as a bootleg album cover by the rest of the surviving members, after they've finished eating your brain off of the ceiling.

Have fun!

EDIT³:
Another amazing article about Black Metal found on Encyclopedia Dramatica

If you also want to become tr00 KVLT and start your own BM band but you can´t find an appropriate band name, check out Spitfire´s Frostbitten Band Name Generator of DOOM
Why not use
"The Enslaved Void of Frostbitten Shadows" ,
"Unknown Lifeless Corpses of Entombed Funerals" ,
"Haunted Warfares of Old Forgotten Mountains" ,
"Transylvanian Commands of Painful Wraths"
"The Satanic Spell That Turns You Into a Satanic Bible of the Burning Memory"
or my personal favourite:
"Homosexual Gaahl's Rainbowcolored Hellbirds of the Unknown Hell Journey"
Yeah, I know they´re not as KVLT as " Dark Kirchensteuer" but who actually cares…

The Black Metal Dialogues
http://theblackmetaldialogues.com/witchtaint.jpg
Dave Hill is obsessed with Norwegian Black Metal, the exciting musical genre brought to international prominence in the early '90's thanks to a series of church burnings, murders, suicides, and other surefire attention-getting devices.
Recently his desire to become part of the scene reached such a fever pitch that he couldn't help but reach out to a longtime member of the Norwegian Black Metal community. (Mysticum)
Fearing for his own life however, he wrote to him not as himself but as his alter ego- a 19 year-old kid from Gary, Indiana named Lance, frontman, leader, and sole member of the self-proclaimed greatest Black Metal band ever, Witch Taint.
The following is their unaltered e-mail correspondence.

Little excerpt:

———————————————————
Friday, March 25, 2005 3:40 PM
FROM: MrLouRawls@aol..com
TO: saiihtam (e-mail address removed)
SUBJECT: Witch Taint Rising

dear saiihtam,

alas, it has been a while since we've spoken. i write to you from a state of blackness that is blacker than anything even i have ever experienced before. and that means a lot coming from me, the king of black metal and about 50 other fucking things. anyway, i wanted to give you an update on the latest happenings with witch taint and our upcoming release on your label. i'm sorry for not sending you any new mp3's. since our last correspondence, i fired everyone in the band and got in a huge fight with my mom so she wouldn't let me hold auditions in the basement for like a month until i did some bullshit around the house for her. anyway, the time off has done me well. the music i am writing right now is the most evil and blackest music ever recorded in my humble opinion. i realize pretty much no one but me could even handle it (and believe me, i can barely take it myself), but i look forward to unleashing the unholy taint on the willing. how are things with you? really black i hope. what is the latest with mysticum? i am still very much interested in using them as my backing band when i come to norway. speaking of which, can you recommend any venues where i might set up shows? preferably, i would like to perform in a forest or a cave, but i suppose i would need to rent a generator for this. do you think one of the guys in mysticum could take care of this? please let me know. also, i would like to do some shows with mayhem if possible. since it's witch taint's first time in norway, i would be happy to open for them. i will be sending you new mp3's soon. please make sure any pets or sharp objects are out of the room before listening.

blacker than the blackest of the black,
lance, the king of black metal now and forever

——————————————————————

~~~~~~~~~~
http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/5791/bbbwyb.gif
~~~~~~~~~~

OK, this journal has become even longer than I expected so I´m going to finish here.

Now, feel free bitching around about my music taste and my opinion and start those endless discussions about different metal genres and Tr00ness!

One last word:

I know this journal is mostly based on common prejudices on Black Metal and I don´t want to hurt anybody. It was made partly for entertainment, therefore you shouldn´t take it too seriously.
And:
Feel free to recommend me some interesting, good, intelligent Black Metal.
I´m always willing to change my attitude towards this genre.

To clarify some things:
Actually it WAS my intention with this article to become interested in BM. I wanted that people show me some good bands that go beyond my actual knowledge of this genre.This article was meant to draw attention to some people who know that genre well and are able to give me some serious reccs in order to broaden my own musical horizon.
The pictures are mostly there for amusement and shouldn´t be taken too seriously.
I Do know that I have to distinguish between the music, the scene and the imagery and that I mustn´t make the fault of mistaking some stupid bands and generalizing them to the whole genre.
Out

Edit³: June 17th 2009: 100 comments reached in only 5 days

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