THE OFFICIAL BAKER'S DOZEN 2013

13: Shaking the Habitual by The Knife
This is an incredible record, more eclectic than the super 'Silent Shout'. I'm not really sure who its anti-capitalist/conformity sentiments actively annoyed (as some have suggested) – Sweden's Donald Trumps tend to reserve their farts for more mainstream critics. I wish it had been analysed widely enough to do that, of course. Some seem to like the pop; others love the ambient sounds. I'm am digging both…spade held high.

12: Raise by Adrian Corker
Raise is a certified cure for the erectile malfunctions of Stars-of-the-Lid fans, though it…

13: Quakers by Quakers
Sheer scope delivered this to the edge of my chart: as Fuzz Face, Barrow and his Stones Throw regiment plucked dozens of rappers from Myspace accounts (others were established, of course) and set their merry musings to samples from the likes of Radiohead. Musically and lyrically it borrows so heavily from hip hop’s history that its library fines date back to the eighties, but its consistency in the head-paroxysm department is insane.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu8chHLSCj4

12: AUN by Fennesz
Soundtrack records, and this is one, can generally sod off, but one must always allow the music to do…

Sat 20 Oct – Squarepusher, Laurel Halo, Kelpe

I should preface the review with the news that my ‘gig buddy’ (as Lastfm dubs such sycophants) was less enchanted by the evening than I was.

Those of us who have been left disenchanted by electonica gigs – wherein a cap-flaunting disc jockey bobs his head behind his laptop as he reproduces a record, badly – over the years will forever approach these events with the niggle of colonic irritation.

However, there was the promise of a light show from Squarepusher here, so perhaps it is understandable that our gig buddy’s expectations…

Oddly, this year’s crusty whites not only proved harder to compile than previous oven loads', they are also a real shit to write about. Fearing the approach of the next millennium, however, I hereby release the complete baker’s dozen (also known as – I have just discovered – devil’s dozen) with the commentaries a work in progress.

Still, I suppose the list is always in progress. For instance, as I type, I am listening to a record for the first time that may be the finest of 2008. Thus, there are bound to be many 2011 riches yet to touchdown…

Sat 23 Jul – ATP I’ll Be Your Mirror curated by Portishead

We aging addicts have occasionally witnessed live shows that have transcended mere oral stimulation – offering music that stiffened/moistened (delete as appropriate) our sexual organs and performances that permanently stained our undergarments.

On occasions, however, Sunday’s I’ll Be Your Mirror mined far beneath the carnal…

Godspeed You! Black Emperor kicked-off the sultry afternoon with the most potent sounds music can offer. Violin, cello (I think) and every conceivable breed of guitar combined to hypnotise the entire congregation – hundreds of heads rigid one moment, then swinging savagely in…

Stumbling upon this during a perfunctory prowl through Word documents, I thought it should (obscenely belated though it is) be brought home to Last.FM. Like the other two Baker's Dozens on here, it requires updates, but it's vital to keep records of, err, records.

13: Crownsdown by Themselves

12: Rated O by Oneida

11: Investigate Witch Cults of the Radio Age by Broadcast & The Focus Group

10: Tarot Sport by Fuck Buttons

9: Orphaned by the Ocean by Teeth of the Sea

8: Monoliths and Dimensions by Sunn O

7: Fever Ray by Fever Ray

6: Totems Flare by…

Thirteen has never been an unlucky number where freshly rotund baps are concerned; it is similarly appropriate for the selection of each year’s most righteous records. Moochooish folklore proclaims that each calendar year spawns one score (minus seven) of true musical masterpieces. In 2010, however, there was room for one score (plus six), with the likes of The Fall, The Emeralds, Janelle Monae, Arcade Fire, Holy Fuck and many others finding themselves litigiously excluded.

Nevertheless, the lore is the law, so here are thirteen absurdly intoxicating releases (each followed by my words of senility and a Youtube sample track for…

Sat 16 Oct – 3 Decades Of Einstürzende Neubauten

No pre-performance tracks blasted from the muted speakers, no support act whetted our appetites, no t-shirts cheaper than thirty pounds warmed the backs of the impoverished; despite being billed as a thirty-year celebration, at least half of the songs reside on the most recent record.

This is the way of Einsturzende Neubauten.

Nevertheless, this was an incredible concert. Having long admired the records, the live spectacle – each song showcasing a disparate piece of, generally-percussion, equipment (present on the records but not always fully discernable) from cutlery and dry leaves to…

Sat 29 May – 25 years of Current 93
Only the promise of two events – a Current 93 birthday ballistic and the release of Baalstorm, Sing Omega into the wild – have maintained my fragile flame a flickering in recent months. Pauper that I am, and two nights being beyond me, I selected the lengthier fiesta of Saturday evening, foregoing the new record for an unnecessary twenty-four hours.

All very nice, but what was the event like?

Unlike any concert I’ve ever attended.

Formal and foreboding, London’s HMV’s Forum was transformed into an opera house – all pleasantly seated…

Taken from my (as yet unpublished) book comprising 69 accounts of love:

Numbr 14
Radical role reversal rites rationally recollected.

“Will it not be less perplexing for our children”, proclaimed the immeasurable diaphragm of my beloved wife, “if we swap? I will be their Daddy, whilst you mother them”. Her coarse fingers unclamped my penis…for the final time…

Following that fatal arm-wrestling blow – a guiltless family bonding session invaded by those whores of providence – our erstwhile domestic bliss surrendered itself to bewitching bewilderment. But not for long. Our love never in question, my wife’s superior biceps outmuscled her…